I am stressing this final for A&P-- my A is all depending on that final now! (I have like a 94% in the class, to get an A you must score higher than 93%) I am planning to take the test tomorrow without any distractions.... then a much needed BREAK!! I am soooooo glad that I don't have to take any more of these types of classes, and looking forward to more meaningful (to me) work next term!

It is yet another Sunday, meaning I opened and closed the store today... It ran much smoother this week. Joe wasn't hungover and he did a really good job running the front. Plus we had the new guy, who I guess helped?? I honestly was busting ass today all day in the cooler. For those of you who have never worked in or around the liquor/beer industry.... working a cooler all day is the same as weight lifting. Constantly bringing in stacks of beer that weigh about as much as me, stacking the beer, unstacking the beer, ect. Stocking a cooler all day is no easy task. This may sound strange but I actually enjoy it, there is nothing that can be said for a good hard days work. What would be really nice though, is for the managers at my work to take notice....

After work I came home and sat out in my back yard with my mom, Clam, and Evan, and the neighbors. Apparently much drama unfolded whilst I was at work today- surprisingly not within my family!! The neighbors/landlord (all related) had some very public, loud, swearing match type fights today. Kinda disappointed I missed it- is that awful? Sounded like some first class Jerry Springer action right in my own back yard. I was a little upset at first for my son witnessing it- but what can I really say, they have witnessed my family turmoil... I certainly cannot judge anyone else on that subject!

I am extremely exhausted and have a parade to attend in the am... Good night all!

First day as a keyholder...

Ok, so today was my very first experience in being responsible for a whole store on my own. It was so much more stress than I thought it would be! I am still stressing over if I did everything right or if I counted something wrong- left a light on- locked the doors? Imagine! I have already contemplated walking down to the store just to make sure all the doors are locked.

I did well at first, got in (without setting the alarm off!!) counted the drawer down, set everything up. But then I had some issues with the doors. They weren't working right all afternoon and who walks basically into me while I'm trying to fix them but my giant crush Shawn. I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR HIM! This kid must think I am wacked. First the blushing incident now holding the door for him, he is going to find a different liquor store. The kid I was on with is usually funny and up beat but he was hungover and miserable. Then the redemption room was horrendous! This guy TRASHED it, watched me clean it, then left more garbage behind. I was beside myself, some people are just rude!!! We locked the doors at 6 but I didn't get out of there until 10 of seven!! I hope I don't get in trouble for that... I just hope I did a good job and they will all be happy when the get in there in the am.

It was a very long day... much homework to do in the morning, Nighty night!

Well...

The landlord will not have the dog. First option is a bust! I have been checking out places and found a few shared houses listed on craigslist but I need to be realistic. I can't afford to leave my mom- not until I am done with school. What an awful feeling it is not to have ample money to support my son. Please someone tell me it will change!!! Once I am done with school I won't need anyone but myself.. until then I have to go back to wondering. Go back to dealing with constant insults and fighting. We are moving because Clam doesn't want to come back here. (He now hates the landlord) So I am getting plucked up again, further from my work.

I think I may be a bit of a control freak. I like for things to be in my power and right now I just feel like everything has slipped through my fingers. I have no control over this situation and it sucks.

On a happy note, I finally got keys and a code at my work. I am officially running the show every Sunday from now on, and I'm guessing every night on the weekends. So that is one good thing happening in my life now. I love my job. At least I can say that.

I'm still smiling, that is all I can do for now. Stay positive and hope for the best. Now it is my favorite boss's birthday 2moro and I am baking him a cake today! On top of that I have two papers to get written before Tuesday- I can't wait for my much needed break from school! Have a great week everyone, speak with you all soon!

Good evening

Eureka! I have a much better plan! (I have been racking my brain and scheming over this for days.)

So this is a bit much to take on. But I can do this and I am going to make it work. My cousin Kristin is the only person I know financially responsible enough to share a place with. She pays 850 a month where she is at now and stays in a basement, so 600 a month would be great for her and she is all for it. I want to stay here let my mom go (AND PLEASE TAKE ALL THIS CRAP WITH YOU) Give my cousin Kristin my mom's bedroom. The bedroom I am currently sharing with my son AND brother will turn into just Evan's room. And the place where I am sitting as we speak will be turned into my room. Keep the living room where it is at, smaller TV, smaller couch (that Kristin has). Take out all the stuff I have been gathering for when that day actually came that I got my own place. Have all his toys in his room it will be SO MUCH CLEANER!!!

Here are the only downfalls to the situation. Kristin owns a very large dog. By large I mean St. Bernard... but if I can get the landlord on board with that then I have someone who will stay here and help out a great deal with rent. I get food stamps every month that have been going towards feeding my mother her husband myself and Evan for the past two years, now that I will only be feeding myself and my son I will never go hungry (more importantly neither will he). So no issues there. Here's where it gets a little tricky. After paying 500 bucks a month I don't have ample money left over for other bills. I need Internet phone and cable, then the heat and everything else. It is going to be a struggle. Kristin will split whatever those bills are I am sure. But I want to try and get some sort of babysitting position like I had before, where I could get paid to watch someones kid on like wed thurs or mornings during the week (except Tues) that would just be cash for bills. Like I said STRUGGLE. But I really feel like I can do it. And this will be our home. And talk about spittin in Clams eye (figuratively).

I am hopeful. And just as I had assumed- my mother came home the morning after seeing him looking at apartments online. So I know this is coming just not so sure when... I hope sis likes dogs!

A place that I could legit call my own. And I love my cousin Kristin, she can be way too honest at times but I can live with that and a big drooly dog. It could even be fun! I just hope I can make it, financially speaking. Now just gotta play my cards right I guess.. we will see what happens~

All good things must come to an end...

I am beside myself with my mother. I was finally happy. Content. I have been paying half the rent and keeping up the house (to the best of my ability). For the duration of my schooling this would be our home. Well that was too good to be true I guess. Why is it every time I feel happy something has to change to make me sad again? I just signed up for all this school got all my ducks in a row. My schedule for work just changed giving me ample time to get everything I need to done. Now this... my mothers undying need to be co-dependant...

Homeless shelter here we come.

Every single time I get myself ahead life takes an awkward turn. My head is a mess. She's going to see that asshole of a husband tomorrow. She had the audacity to ask if she could take Evan to see him, stay overnight at a hotel with him. My son is already fucked up because of him, he is in a fragile emotional state because of the entire situation and seeing him now would do terrible things to his Psyche. So I have to find a new sitter for tomorrow while I work and make sure Evan is supervised when his grandmother has him. (as if having NO money for a sitter wasn't hard enough already) Clam can't move back in here- the landlord won't have the asshole back in her house. But him and my mother plan to find a new place. Sure there is the option of going with them, moving in with that bastard to deal with the constant insults and embarrassment and complete lack of respect. I'm all set with that option. I have been free of him and I won't go back there.

So lets explore my options. Wait a minute- I have no options. It's go with them or go to a homeless shelter because that is what I will be. I pay only $500 a month to live here (my mom with her three jobs pays $600). That is $125 every week from my pay check. On average (after taxes in "TAXachusetts") my check is about $2-260 weekly. I am struggling just to pay that, when my mom leaves what will I do? That's NOT including cable, phone (the Internet I need for school), electricity, heat!! I am living with my mother because I can't do it on my own. It is financially impossible. With the 1,000's of immigrants ahead of me on the waiting lists for any kind of housing assistance there is no chance of help. The waiting list for Section 8 housing is 7-10 YEARS. I have been on it for three.

A part of me wants to run away. Take Evan and go somewhere far away from here. Lie to someone- tell them I am escaping an abusive relationship with my sons father and go to a homeless shelter for abused moms. That is terrible but in a way am I really lying? I have been abused I just chose to stay with that person until he one day decided to abandon me... now I'm in the middle of my mothers unhealthy, abusive marriage. I suppose it is a learned behavior. My lap top can come with me, I will stay in school no matter what happens.

My first intention is to learn how to drive. I need to be able to get myself somewhere. But I SUCK at driving. Not that anyone ever even attempted to teach me, I am 24 years old and can count on ten fingers the amount of times I have ever been behind the wheel. I at least have some time to think it over. Takes some time for first last and security deposit. There are places in the U.S. that cost less money than 1200 a month for an apartment. I could find somewhere cheap enough and when I get the check from school I could just go. Evan would miss his family, but my mom has a consistent need to tear our family apart with her arrogant boyfriends. (and I assure you there was always a boyfriend) She does this and we won't be a family anymore. I will be through with her. It just hurts because my mom was once upon a time my best friend. Now I can't even look at her.

Now I must pull myself together because I promised my sister I would go over and hang out with her. I like never get to see her anymore and I really think she is the only person I would miss. I really have no idea what will come of this, but I knew it was all too good to be true.

I just realized something.

Have you ever sat and thought about was was going to be your life a few years from now. I think everyone has at least once. Every time I have asked myself in the past where will you be in 5 years I have never come up with an answer. Matter of fact, thinking about it further there were moments that I could not tell you what my life would be like 5 days from the present. (this of course was before having my son) I would come up with the answers that were an easy way of looking at it- who knows were I will be 5 years from now, or with Jim... somewhere- instead of setting my path and creating a goal for myself. Having children will make you ask the question, and it is terrifying to have no answers.

Well, for the first time in my life I sat down and thought about it. 5 years from now I have a destination. 5 years from now I will have my bachelors in psychology (applied behavioral analysis). Hopefully I will continue on in my education and in 5 years time be on my way to a masters... I will have a real job, a good job that makes a difference somehow in this world- I will have my own place!!! Eventually afford to own a home not in 5 years but maybe when im like 40... any the way I am rambling here.

I have a destination. A path. GOALS! I am bursting at the seams. A plan was what I needed and it is what I created. I realize that I must now maintain wonder woman status for the next four years. But hopefully soon I can get some daycare to help me on the Evan front. And who needs sleep? I can sleep when I have the money to do so- and I can do it in my house! My schoolwork will get done while Evan does his. He will have a mom he can be proud of. I will be able to provide for him a home, an education, a future. I can do this and I know it will be worth it in the long run. I am proud of myself (as if you couldn't tell) and I can do this!

Good Morning

I woke up this morning feeling like a new person. I have gotten the ball rolling and switched my major from an associates in medical transcription to a bachelors in psychology, specializing in applied behavioral analysis. (Much more impressive, eh?) I am really happy I decided to do this. Medical transcription was just a waste of my time, I could have passed but it would not have made me happy at all. I want to make a difference in the lives of others. My goal is actually to make it through this with a 4.0 (or as close to it as possible) and then try and get scholarships to go to a real college and get my PhD in the field. Having someone pay me 300 bucks an hour to listen to them speak would make all the schooling worth it, and in turn the school would pay for itself. But I will have a bachelors degree before I turn 30 and for now that is making me glow. Everyone I know that sees me keeps telling me I look different. My hair is getting long and I keep getting compliments on it and when I take my glasses off people are telling me I should get contacts cause I have such a pretty face... between clams departure and being in school where I belong I am exuding happiness, and neighbors and friends have been taking notice!

Also I am so happy at my job. I have worked in retail/restaurant business for as long as I can remember, and I work hard. But until I found this liquor store I have never been appreciated or rewarded for my work. My work just gave me a dollar raise and I am getting keys to the store- Soon I will be responsible for opening and closing the store on Sundays. Its just nice that they trust me enough to do it and they depend on me, I was training new people all week. One guy was 53 and never saw a cash register before and the other a young man (my age) who knew what he was doing. Luckily I think the second will be with me on Sunday's *praises the lord* the other guy wont be with us for long (but that is my opinion) The guy my age isn't like drop dead gorgeous (def can't hold a candle to my Shawn) but he is funny and has endearing qualities about him. But as the saying goes- don't stick your pen in the company ink, I should keep it professional... its just been too long since I was last with a man (about two years now) and some contact with the other sex would be nice... and he happens to be a single male in my age range who isn't a regular customer or a big drinker at all, and as I said funny (humor is the biggest turn on to me). I doubt he has any interest in me, but I'm one of those girls that grows on you *wink wink* if it will be me and him on Sundays something could develop, I certainly would like it to... I am just rambling now so I will end it here.

I haven't been so content in a very long time. I am just that, content! Life feels so nice without the stresses I once faced. I am in just the best place possible right now, and I am proud of myself for changing my path. I wish you all the best, and I must say thank you to professor Tolen, without your project I may have realized I was in the wrong area of study- too late. That's all for now, have a nice week! =^)

Uh Oh...

I knew doing this project for college comp would make me wish I chose to be in school for psychology. In my research I found some of the most interesting stuff about a psychotherapy treatment for a patient and realized, this is where I see myself. This is my passion- my gift. I am naturally good at listening to people- everyone I know comes to me at some point or another asking me for advice. I have a talent for figuring people out too. In a first meeting with someone I just know how they are- it's strange. I also have always found dream analogy fascinating and in learning more about it I really feel it is a way to figure out where emotional anguish comes from.

SO WHAT DO I DO HERE!!!???

I have been in school for a while for medical transcription- I get all A's but I can't stand learning about the human body, I hate medical terminology, and I have no desire to work in this Field aside from working from home to be there for my son. I can't see how this career field could make me happy. But what do I do? What an incredible waste of money on my behalf! Kaplan is not cheap dude... and like I said its not like I am doing poorly- I'm in honors classes. Psychology is really where I belong and I know it now... switch now or forever hold my peace? I don't know but I know if I did I could do things in my life that I could be proud of. Maybe stop taking for granted my mind and use it to better the world one person at a time. I am going to see if Kaplan offers psych classes and see how my financial aid will be affected is I switched now... Otherwise I am just wasting money on school for something I have no desire to do.

Wish me luck!

To love, or not to love...

I have one rule for myself- never again will I fall in love.

Of course I am lonely. Of course I get jealous of happy couples. Worst yet, watching my younger sister get everything I had wanted myself. A man to stand at her side her whole pregnancy, a man that made (and so far, kept) a promise to her for the rest of her life. Being maid of honor at her wedding was a struggle- almost torturous! But I would never tell her that because we do selfless things for the ones we love. Still, I tell myself on a daily basis that love was never my forte. I hate to inadvertently teach my son that men in general leave (sad but true). So I do my best to keep him from seeing that by staying alone. Already he has seen all the men in his life walk away- at two he doesn't understand it yet so it saves him pain for now... but as soon as he gets old enough to realize it, he will have gigantic abandonment issues. First was his father, now with Clam gone I am wondering who would be the next to go. Clam's departure was a good thing in every aspect of my life, but Evan doesn't understand that. All he knows is that his papa is gone. It doesn't get any easier, this parenting gig...

The way I see it, as long as I let no one into my heart, both hearts are safe from harm. My son has me and I have him. His mom won't ever leave. Don't get me wrong there is a huge part of me that wants to date, see what is out there. My friend Katie even has a good looking, stand up, available guy in mind... my only thing is- what the hell would he want from me? My looks haven't just faded they are gone. I am overweight (no matter how hard I try to loose it), my teeth are disgusting, I am emotionally damaged, I make 9 dollars an hour working at a liquor store, and I have another man's son who consumes every second of free time I get. Not exactly exuding qualities men look for in the dating world. Not to mention I have NO GAME...

For example, I have a HUGE crush on one of the customers that occasionally comes in for some budlight. *sigh* Shawn... He is everything I go for in a mans looks and his personality takes the cake. Very tall, Irish boy with a gorgeous smile and a twinkle in his eyes. *melts a little* This is the only customer that comes to my store I would ever consider dating. I'm realistic though, and I know this man is football Fields out of my league. Still when he comes into the store I get the butterflies in my tummy, knees trembling, palms sweating sensations I haven't had since my high school crush (coincidentally his name was also Shawn). A few weeks back he came in while I was working with Timmy (my favorite boss, who is gay and knows how much I love him because we are always checking out the cuties). Well of course when Shawn came up to the register Timmy goes "Shawn- you know Erica right, shawn erica, erica shawn *giggle giggle*". My face was purple. I haven't blushed like that in a very long time. Like I said the kids personality is incredible he is just so nice. Shook my hand (only making me redder) and commented on Timmy making me do all the work (of course I wanted too wait on him). The whole thing was funny but it just proved to me my lack of game I mentioned before. He came in again yesterday and when he got up to the register I almost broke the customer ahead of him's bottle of wine! Because when I see him I trip over my words, I get so nervous that my hands tremble. I am easily compared to a little kid with a crush, men don't want that in a woman. Confidence, quit whitted humor, a smile and a wink- that may get me a date with the man of my dreams- but then he would see my teeth and all chances with him are over before they started. I am not worthy! And it sucks... all bad qualities aside I am quite a catch, but society kills my chances with any man as soon as I compare myself to what it is that men want- I loose.

So apparently insecurity plays a role in my not wanting to fall in love as well. I know I am scared of being hurt, scared of Evan seeing someone else walk away from him. I couldn't handle that again. It saddens me because I am a good mom and would love to have another baby someday. But taking that scenario under consideration. I meet a man fall deeply in love and have a second child. Evan is mine, the new child is ours. There would be favoritism and Evan would think that this man doesn't love him as much as his sibling. I never want Evan to feel emotions like that. To hold resentment towards me for creating life with someone new. So I keep the promise I made myself. I stay alone. I develop crushes on men that are so far out of my league they are unattainable and safe. If I don't have a shot, no one gets hurt. For now I like it that way. I am strong, but not strong enough to handle another departure. It's really too bad, I never thought I would end up alone, I never thought this would be my life. I always dreamed of a white picket fence, a dog, getting married, and having a well respected family with the one I love. The American dream is dead to me now. The closest I come to a picket fence is looking out the window at my neighbors house. The very same thing I used to do as a child- stare out the window at the happy family with a mommy and a daddy hoping someday it would be me. The grass is always greener on the other side, and that is something I have grown to accept. The American dream is over-rated anyway. I don't need a man to fill the void in me, all I need is my Evan. At least that is what I keep telling myself, and that works for a while. Until he does something that should be caught on camera or something so cute you just want to share the moment with someone, and no one is there to share it, that's when me and him is not enough.

That's all I can stand speaking of without getting myself depressed. It is all a vicious cycle and theres no talking to me. I have an excuse for any scenario sent my way, and I am as stubborn as they come. When Evan is grown and off to Harvard Law School (or wherever the little smarty ends up) then I can explore options in romance. That is- if anyone wants me-by then I won't have any teeth left. If there is someone out there for me, he'll still be there when I'm ready. Here's hoping, have a great week everyone!

The lama dream

For my composition class I got to choose anything I wanted to write about for my final project. Being that someday I want to be a psychologist and I want to specialize in dream theory, I chose dream theory as my topic. I am just so fascinated by the mind, the physiological questions we ask- what is life for?- why do we choose to lie, cheat, steal, or love?

While I was in New York I had this incredibly symbolic dream about a lama. So, I know what someone thinks when they hear that... this girls smoking the good stuff... but you are only half right. ;^) Here's how it went.

The whole dream scenario took place at the plastic factory I worked at. Except everything in the rooms were cleared out, nothing but huge empty rooms. And the back doorstep in reality had a staircase maybe four feet up, in the dream it was a long staircase and it was a long way down. Now these huge empty rooms were filled with people I knew, people I didn't know, my friend Rachel, and the lama...

This was a smoking, drinking, party lama. (Gave me new meaning to the term "party animal") I don't know if anyone else remembers the show with lambchop the puppet, but that is the only way I can describe hismessed up face. His fur was a mangy off white color and in general he looked ragged. I found myself staring at him throughout the party wondering why NO ONE cared that he was a lama!? Every time I was looking at him he would shoot looks back at me, and it scared me. His face was the craziest thing, indescribable- unless you are on a bad acid trip looking at lambchop.

It was fun at first. Everyone was drinking, smoking, playing card games (the lama too). I was socializing but for the most part found myself sitting against the back wall, smoking and watching for Rachel. Rachel kept looking over at me with this strange look on her face, each time holding up her index finger saying "I'll be right back" and running off to get in fist fights with everyone at the party! Then she would come back sit with me and tell me she won. I never saw her fight just before and after the fights.

As the lama was playing his cards, cigarette hanging from his blackened lips, his evil glance caught Rachel's eye. She jumped up and started to fight the lama. Only this time I was no longer sitting on the back burner- I was fighting the lama too! This was theatrical fighting at its best. Slow motion cracks to the jaw. Ganging up on the lama with Rachel kicking the thing while it was on the ground. But the Lama didn't go down easy. Not only was this a party lama it was a fighting lama as well. The battle wore on, all three parties growing weary. Finally Rachel glanced over to me, then motion her eyes towards the door. THE STAIRS! I ran and opened the door and Rachel ran for the lama, but the bastard was quick- caught Rachel off guard and threw her to the wall. With Rachel knocked out it was up to me. I stood in the door and faced the evil lama who was readying his charge. I moved ever so gingerly closer to him and like the speed of light turned his charge against him. One swift side step and he tumbled out to the balcony, just escaping a very long fall. The fight was on *theatrics again* but with a left hook , then right, uppercut. In slow motion the lama fell backwards. Down those long steps. As I watched I was swept up in a wave of sadness. I watched him fall to his death yet it saddened me? I backed away and went back to find Rachel and tell her we won, but Rachel was gone. Everyone was. No more party just empty rooms. I sat back where I sat the whole night and lit a cigarette- strangely I was defeated somehow and all alone. That's when I woke up...

There is obvious symbolism here. I have analyzed it over and over in my head and here is what I have come up with. I hated New York I missed everyone that I knew. Rachel was my best friend before I moved to New York so I most likely missed her the most, hence her leading role. My straying towards the wall symbolic of feeling cut off from my surroundings. And the explanation you have all been waiting for.... the lama has to be Jim (the sperm doner). He needed to be cut off from my life and no one could do that but me. The sadness I felt watching him go, the empty rooms. The fear of the look in his eye. All hold symbolism towards the person I hate but cannot resent. This was a perfect example of my sub-conscious mind telling me to run like hell. I was the one who chose to ignore that dream- if I had listened to my sub-conscious (and everyone else) my life may be a very different thing right now. This is what I would like to base my paper on, what is it our sub-conscious is trying to tell us using our dreams? This is the first paper I have written in school that I am really enjoying! I can't wait to explore it further and once I have the final project I will post it here for you all to see!

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read my blog! =^) That's all for now!

The never ending battle...

I blame one person for the downfall of my beautiful smile (my baby daddy)... Maybe that is unfair of me but every time I look at my rotting teeth in the mirror I curse his name! It was because of him that I was so malnourished in the beginning of my pregnancy and I know that is where my dental concerns started. When the teeth first started to rot that is.

I lost two more teeth this week- now just the front and bottom left teeth are still in my face. I just found out that my health insurance does cover partial dentures so at least I know that I will be able to chew again someday. 24 and considering dentures!? How does this happen? My smile was always my pride and joy. My weight has been an ongoing battle but through all the problems in finding someone to love a "fat kid" I always had my pretty smile to fall back on. (to flirt with) Now that is gone, I am so self conscious about my teeth that I find myself inventing new ways to smile without showing my teeth. I am always smiling with my eyes I guess...

If I could only hit the lottery I could afford those dental implants and not have to worry about this anymore, but alas I am a struggling single mom who sometimes can't afford the next package of diapers... let alone drop 1,000's of dollars on a new smile. I have heard that the dental implants are much cheaper in Florida but even then I am sure it's quite expensive and I would never be able to afford it.

I had to wait a month to get this infected tooth pulled and the pain was indescribable. I am so relieved to not feel pain shooting through my temple anymore but I will miss being able to eat steak! Because of the wait I failed to mention to the surgeon that I was coming down with an ear infection- I was not about to hurt for another month- and when I woke up from the anesthesia the infection was so bad in my ear it started to affect my balance and hearing. I am still all blocked up but luckily the antibiotics kicked the pain I was feeling. But that first night dealing with the ear pain on top of the pain of loosing two teeth... *shivers* it was not a good night! Now it is just plain annoying and it feels like someone stuffed my ear with cotton balls! Honestly man, it never ends in my world!

And now that I am feeling better Evan is getting sick...

On a happy note, my mother went to court for the restraining order and she WON!!! The judge granted it for a whole year so at least that shitty aspect of my life is really over! Hard to believe but its true... no more miserable man coming home and making my life hell every night. The only problem here is this... before I had no reason to smile now I have hundreds and hiding my teeth is getting harder to do! :)

That's all for now ladies and gentlemen, have a lovely week!

FINALLY!!!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen... Elvis has left the building!

Not that Clam deserves to be compared to an icon but it seemed appropriate. He is finally gone. My mother went to the courthouse this morning and took out a restraining order. So for the next ten days at least(hopefully forever) I will not have to see that ugly face. I hope she follows through on this, I hope he is really out of my son's life and my own. I think once she sees how different it is here, how happy we can be without him, how we are all the financial support she needs, then she will feel like a fool for staying as long as she did. It may not be over but it is certainly a step toward a brighter future! :)

Today was just the best day. Evan was the cutest, best behaved toddler I know. The weather was gorgeous. We played outside for hours and then I even walked the pond with my cousin Kristen and her dog. It was the perfect day off and the whole time there was no worries or stressing out that he would come home and ruin my bliss. Now that he is gone I can focus on being the best mom/worker/student I can be. And without the constant demeaning maybe I can even start to take back the self respect I lost when the sperm doner broke me. (I jumped from one bad relationship directly into my mothers... not exactly the best for someone with pre-existing self esteem issues.)

So right now I revel in this sensation and I look forward with high hopes. The battle is over and I finally won.

Home?

Those of you who know me are MUST be sick of hearing about my home life. I have had more posts on facebook about my living arrangement than I could even count. It is the same thing day after day and even I have grown tired of my constant complaining. Perhaps a new group of strangers to listen to my ranting will be at the very least- therapeutic?

In a nutshell, I am currently living with my mother and her drunk excuse of a husband. The apartment is small, cramped, we share one bedroom with my brother, and her husband hates me. I can't afford to leave (even working 50 hours a week) and I have no where left to go. What bothers me most is my mothers complete lack of back bone. She lets it happen and she is the only person who can make him leave. His only financial responsibility in this house is half the rent. I pay $50 a week and buy all the food. But when the first of the month rolls around... I am a free loading, fat, lazy, cunt who does NOTHING but mooch off my mother. (Mind you, any of this can be said to me directly in front of my son, he has no boundaries with his use of bad English) Every month.

Lately it seems my son is following in Clam's footsteps. When he is here all Evan says to me is "I hate you" or "shut up" or he just hits me. My son isn't even three years old. Obviously this stems from the constant abuse he witnesses from my mothers husband (Clam). Even the landlord wants him out, she has been witness to the abuse. Be it the sounds of screaming with a crying baby on my hip, police cars pulling up, or me leaving at strange times of the night with my son. She has seen it all. All I want is for him to leave (or get hit by a truck)- so that the little time I have to spend with my son on those rare days off can be drama free, and my son won't be telling me how much he hates me. When it is just me and Evan he is a different child. He loves me so much. I don't have to yell at him or put him on time outs. He laughs and we play and all is right with my world. Now that I work constantly I never get that time with him. I feel like he is being ruined and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel worse than trapped... I feel defeated. I am not good enough to get us out of here, therefor my beautiful, happy, outgoing son quivers at even the slightest raise of a mans voice. He has to watch his mommy cry because she feels that helpless. This situation is affecting him and my only option is to quit my job and school, go back on welfare and go to a homeless shelter. Or I stay here and watch my beautiful boy grow thinking this is how a woman is treated. Not like there is a father around that can show him otherwise (or even a boyfriend for that matter). I am doing good (really good) for the first time in a long time. Do I throw that all away to go someplace where I could get robbed or beat up or who knows? Only to wait to get into a housing authority and live in poverty for the rest of my life. Where is the pride in that?

Today thoughts of suicide occurred to me. I am that depressed- but at least I hide it well. So what if I mask it in different ways? I feel its a coping mechanism. People I work with think I'm the happiest person (if they only knew), my mother thinks I am just a bitch (as do the rest of my siblings and what have you) but the truth is I feel so defeated and worthless that I am finding it hard to get myself out of bed in the morning. I have been broken so many times I'm starting to wonder when will I actually break. No one has ever stopped to wonder why all this attitude or why I am "always" smiling at work. Truth is I'm not happy or angry but extremely sad and lonely. If I wiped that smile off my face and let the world see what was really behind my eyes I wouldn't have a job, and my family would have me committed. So I write it down then burn the pages later. I never read what I write about when I am that down. I did once and it scared me.

I am on so many waiting lists for housing assistance and they are all really long. It takes ten years to obtain a section 8 voucher (what I really want) and housing authorities suck. The only way you can get into one of those is another waiting game (and that's if you can even get onto the waiting list). I do all the right things but the right things don't seem to come back around. Everyone keeps telling me to wait- once I am done with school I will be better but my biggest concern with that- controlling my mind and horrid thoughts for another few years. I have been on the list for section 8 for three years in seven I very well may not even need it. I need the help now but I guess so does everyone else. So I wait and wait and wait. And I delve deeper into this depression and watch as my son gets fucked up by someone who isn't me. I mean- I thought the parent was the one responsible for the fucking up of the child?? (There's that cynical sense of humor you'll get used to it) I don't know- I just needed to rant to some strangers and get it all off my chest before this living situation eats me alive.

Don't read too much into this, it has just been a long and rough day... Happy thoughts coming soon :)

~Erica~

Breaking the Ice...

Hello everyone and welcome to the wonderful yet wacky mind of a single mom. I must warn you first and foremost I am highly opinionated and hard headed. You would be too if you knew my life. Here on this blog I will share with you all my honest life stories (and lessons) and so much more. I named my blog life as a single mom so I feel it only appropriate to explain to you how I got there. There are people who make assumptions out there. A single woman with a baby is occasionally assumed to be promiscuous. I know first hand there are plenty of reasons for a woman to be raisng a child (or children) on her own. Promiscuity has nothing to do with my situation. Nor was promiscuity present when my mother raised three children on her own. Be very careful when jumping to conclusions...

I was in a relationship with a man for three years. (off and on) He didn't treat me well. There were traces of physical abuse but mostly it was emotional. Of couse, I loved him and thought I could change him. We were engaged and living in upstate New York when I found out I was pregnant with my son. After the news things between us didn't get any better. We had very little money and I wasn't getting the nutrition I needed for the baby so I ended up coming back to Massachusetts to stay with his mother and father. The plan was that he would find a job- work his ass off and find us an apartment out there, then he would send for me.

Little did he know I never had any intention of returning to New York. The abuse was at its worst while I was in there and I missed my family. I didn't want to be somewhere where I knew no one- but him- when I brought a baby into the world. I did well for a while, worked full time at CVS through my pregnancy. I eventually told him my plan and he (having trouble with Massachusetts Law Enforcement) didn't want to come back to mass and square his name. But when I found out he cheated on me (again) I told him to stay there and never come back. Well thats when he came back, went to court did about 45 days in jail and claimed he was going to clean his life up and be a good man for his future wife and son. After he got out it seemed he had changed. I ended up leaving his parents house and went to my mothers until we could find a place of our own. He got a full time job at a moving company. He would have to take long road trips and be away my whole pregnancy. But the money was great and when the time came he would have even had paturnity leave. I thought things were going great, we talked on the phone all the time. When we saw eachother he was so romantic and would constantly tell me how much he wanted to be a daddy.

In about my seventh month of pregnancy I took a cab to work. I was on the phone with him, went to starbucks to get a bite to eat. Then I went to work, my usual routine- put my stuff in the backroom, put on my ugly blue CVS shirt, hung up the phone, then headed for the occupied bathroom. Mind you- I was seven months pregnant and really had to pee, and when I was standing there it felt like I peed myself a little. So I decided I couldn't wait any longer and went into the mens room. I sat down, cell phone still in hand, and when I looked down all I saw was red...

My heart stopped and I panicked. I had a thyroid condition and was considered a high risk pregnancy but everything had seemed fine. I thought I was loosing my son. I called 911 on the CVS phone because I was too panicked to realize my cell phone was in my hand. Waiting for the ambulance I tried calling him, my mom, him, my mom. No one was answering. In the ambulance the EMT actually said to me, "don't panic if you can't hear the heartbeat"... I will never forget that ride or the fact that I did it alone. As it turned out I had what you would call placenta previa. My placenta was low lined my entire pregnancy and I guess it ripped. The doctor gave me medicine to stop me from going into labor, then these terrible steroid shots in the butt just in case the medicine didn't work. (In infants the lungs take the longest to develop and the steroids just speed up the process.) It was a very traumatic experience for me, and my baby's father seemed genuinely concerned. He got his work to fly him home and his partner lent him his truck so that he could come and see me. I was in the hospital for four days total and he didn't make it back until my last night there. He held me the whole time and told me it was going to be ok. But then he said he had to work in the morning and he was just going to drive there and sleep in the parking lot.

I didn't want him to go and I didn't understand why he wouldn't want to stay there with me. I couldn't understand how he could hear the baby hiccup on ultrasound and want to leave me for even a second after this close call. I cried my eyes out but eventually I agreed he would go there work a few hours and when he got my call he would come and pick me up and take care of me.

He never came back.

Here's the clencher... Rememeber the partner who lent him the truck? Well he and his wife had a daughter together and lived in New Hampshire. That is where my baby's father went after he left the hospital and that is where he stayed. The woman left her first born daughter to run off with him. The two of them are (to the best of my knowledge) now living somewhere in Oklahoma with a daughter of their own and I think one on the way.

I know that I am better off without him but it doesn't change the pain that came from it all. The worst part is as much as I want to hate him I can't- he gave me the best gift in the whole world. I am a stronger woman now because of what he did, but I won't be that strong the day my son asks me where his father is. I don't even know where to start explaining all this to him.

So before you assume someone who is a single mother is a "slut"- take a step back... there are a million stories out there like mine. Single mothers and fathers tossed aside like a bag of trash. The reasons for this I could not tell you. I look into my sons eyes and know I will never leave, and I will never know how he did.