Home?

Those of you who know me are MUST be sick of hearing about my home life. I have had more posts on facebook about my living arrangement than I could even count. It is the same thing day after day and even I have grown tired of my constant complaining. Perhaps a new group of strangers to listen to my ranting will be at the very least- therapeutic?

In a nutshell, I am currently living with my mother and her drunk excuse of a husband. The apartment is small, cramped, we share one bedroom with my brother, and her husband hates me. I can't afford to leave (even working 50 hours a week) and I have no where left to go. What bothers me most is my mothers complete lack of back bone. She lets it happen and she is the only person who can make him leave. His only financial responsibility in this house is half the rent. I pay $50 a week and buy all the food. But when the first of the month rolls around... I am a free loading, fat, lazy, cunt who does NOTHING but mooch off my mother. (Mind you, any of this can be said to me directly in front of my son, he has no boundaries with his use of bad English) Every month.

Lately it seems my son is following in Clam's footsteps. When he is here all Evan says to me is "I hate you" or "shut up" or he just hits me. My son isn't even three years old. Obviously this stems from the constant abuse he witnesses from my mothers husband (Clam). Even the landlord wants him out, she has been witness to the abuse. Be it the sounds of screaming with a crying baby on my hip, police cars pulling up, or me leaving at strange times of the night with my son. She has seen it all. All I want is for him to leave (or get hit by a truck)- so that the little time I have to spend with my son on those rare days off can be drama free, and my son won't be telling me how much he hates me. When it is just me and Evan he is a different child. He loves me so much. I don't have to yell at him or put him on time outs. He laughs and we play and all is right with my world. Now that I work constantly I never get that time with him. I feel like he is being ruined and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel worse than trapped... I feel defeated. I am not good enough to get us out of here, therefor my beautiful, happy, outgoing son quivers at even the slightest raise of a mans voice. He has to watch his mommy cry because she feels that helpless. This situation is affecting him and my only option is to quit my job and school, go back on welfare and go to a homeless shelter. Or I stay here and watch my beautiful boy grow thinking this is how a woman is treated. Not like there is a father around that can show him otherwise (or even a boyfriend for that matter). I am doing good (really good) for the first time in a long time. Do I throw that all away to go someplace where I could get robbed or beat up or who knows? Only to wait to get into a housing authority and live in poverty for the rest of my life. Where is the pride in that?

Today thoughts of suicide occurred to me. I am that depressed- but at least I hide it well. So what if I mask it in different ways? I feel its a coping mechanism. People I work with think I'm the happiest person (if they only knew), my mother thinks I am just a bitch (as do the rest of my siblings and what have you) but the truth is I feel so defeated and worthless that I am finding it hard to get myself out of bed in the morning. I have been broken so many times I'm starting to wonder when will I actually break. No one has ever stopped to wonder why all this attitude or why I am "always" smiling at work. Truth is I'm not happy or angry but extremely sad and lonely. If I wiped that smile off my face and let the world see what was really behind my eyes I wouldn't have a job, and my family would have me committed. So I write it down then burn the pages later. I never read what I write about when I am that down. I did once and it scared me.

I am on so many waiting lists for housing assistance and they are all really long. It takes ten years to obtain a section 8 voucher (what I really want) and housing authorities suck. The only way you can get into one of those is another waiting game (and that's if you can even get onto the waiting list). I do all the right things but the right things don't seem to come back around. Everyone keeps telling me to wait- once I am done with school I will be better but my biggest concern with that- controlling my mind and horrid thoughts for another few years. I have been on the list for section 8 for three years in seven I very well may not even need it. I need the help now but I guess so does everyone else. So I wait and wait and wait. And I delve deeper into this depression and watch as my son gets fucked up by someone who isn't me. I mean- I thought the parent was the one responsible for the fucking up of the child?? (There's that cynical sense of humor you'll get used to it) I don't know- I just needed to rant to some strangers and get it all off my chest before this living situation eats me alive.

Don't read too much into this, it has just been a long and rough day... Happy thoughts coming soon :)

~Erica~