All good things must come to an end...

I am beside myself with my mother. I was finally happy. Content. I have been paying half the rent and keeping up the house (to the best of my ability). For the duration of my schooling this would be our home. Well that was too good to be true I guess. Why is it every time I feel happy something has to change to make me sad again? I just signed up for all this school got all my ducks in a row. My schedule for work just changed giving me ample time to get everything I need to done. Now this... my mothers undying need to be co-dependant...

Homeless shelter here we come.

Every single time I get myself ahead life takes an awkward turn. My head is a mess. She's going to see that asshole of a husband tomorrow. She had the audacity to ask if she could take Evan to see him, stay overnight at a hotel with him. My son is already fucked up because of him, he is in a fragile emotional state because of the entire situation and seeing him now would do terrible things to his Psyche. So I have to find a new sitter for tomorrow while I work and make sure Evan is supervised when his grandmother has him. (as if having NO money for a sitter wasn't hard enough already) Clam can't move back in here- the landlord won't have the asshole back in her house. But him and my mother plan to find a new place. Sure there is the option of going with them, moving in with that bastard to deal with the constant insults and embarrassment and complete lack of respect. I'm all set with that option. I have been free of him and I won't go back there.

So lets explore my options. Wait a minute- I have no options. It's go with them or go to a homeless shelter because that is what I will be. I pay only $500 a month to live here (my mom with her three jobs pays $600). That is $125 every week from my pay check. On average (after taxes in "TAXachusetts") my check is about $2-260 weekly. I am struggling just to pay that, when my mom leaves what will I do? That's NOT including cable, phone (the Internet I need for school), electricity, heat!! I am living with my mother because I can't do it on my own. It is financially impossible. With the 1,000's of immigrants ahead of me on the waiting lists for any kind of housing assistance there is no chance of help. The waiting list for Section 8 housing is 7-10 YEARS. I have been on it for three.

A part of me wants to run away. Take Evan and go somewhere far away from here. Lie to someone- tell them I am escaping an abusive relationship with my sons father and go to a homeless shelter for abused moms. That is terrible but in a way am I really lying? I have been abused I just chose to stay with that person until he one day decided to abandon me... now I'm in the middle of my mothers unhealthy, abusive marriage. I suppose it is a learned behavior. My lap top can come with me, I will stay in school no matter what happens.

My first intention is to learn how to drive. I need to be able to get myself somewhere. But I SUCK at driving. Not that anyone ever even attempted to teach me, I am 24 years old and can count on ten fingers the amount of times I have ever been behind the wheel. I at least have some time to think it over. Takes some time for first last and security deposit. There are places in the U.S. that cost less money than 1200 a month for an apartment. I could find somewhere cheap enough and when I get the check from school I could just go. Evan would miss his family, but my mom has a consistent need to tear our family apart with her arrogant boyfriends. (and I assure you there was always a boyfriend) She does this and we won't be a family anymore. I will be through with her. It just hurts because my mom was once upon a time my best friend. Now I can't even look at her.

Now I must pull myself together because I promised my sister I would go over and hang out with her. I like never get to see her anymore and I really think she is the only person I would miss. I really have no idea what will come of this, but I knew it was all too good to be true.