To love, or not to love...

I have one rule for myself- never again will I fall in love.

Of course I am lonely. Of course I get jealous of happy couples. Worst yet, watching my younger sister get everything I had wanted myself. A man to stand at her side her whole pregnancy, a man that made (and so far, kept) a promise to her for the rest of her life. Being maid of honor at her wedding was a struggle- almost torturous! But I would never tell her that because we do selfless things for the ones we love. Still, I tell myself on a daily basis that love was never my forte. I hate to inadvertently teach my son that men in general leave (sad but true). So I do my best to keep him from seeing that by staying alone. Already he has seen all the men in his life walk away- at two he doesn't understand it yet so it saves him pain for now... but as soon as he gets old enough to realize it, he will have gigantic abandonment issues. First was his father, now with Clam gone I am wondering who would be the next to go. Clam's departure was a good thing in every aspect of my life, but Evan doesn't understand that. All he knows is that his papa is gone. It doesn't get any easier, this parenting gig...

The way I see it, as long as I let no one into my heart, both hearts are safe from harm. My son has me and I have him. His mom won't ever leave. Don't get me wrong there is a huge part of me that wants to date, see what is out there. My friend Katie even has a good looking, stand up, available guy in mind... my only thing is- what the hell would he want from me? My looks haven't just faded they are gone. I am overweight (no matter how hard I try to loose it), my teeth are disgusting, I am emotionally damaged, I make 9 dollars an hour working at a liquor store, and I have another man's son who consumes every second of free time I get. Not exactly exuding qualities men look for in the dating world. Not to mention I have NO GAME...

For example, I have a HUGE crush on one of the customers that occasionally comes in for some budlight. *sigh* Shawn... He is everything I go for in a mans looks and his personality takes the cake. Very tall, Irish boy with a gorgeous smile and a twinkle in his eyes. *melts a little* This is the only customer that comes to my store I would ever consider dating. I'm realistic though, and I know this man is football Fields out of my league. Still when he comes into the store I get the butterflies in my tummy, knees trembling, palms sweating sensations I haven't had since my high school crush (coincidentally his name was also Shawn). A few weeks back he came in while I was working with Timmy (my favorite boss, who is gay and knows how much I love him because we are always checking out the cuties). Well of course when Shawn came up to the register Timmy goes "Shawn- you know Erica right, shawn erica, erica shawn *giggle giggle*". My face was purple. I haven't blushed like that in a very long time. Like I said the kids personality is incredible he is just so nice. Shook my hand (only making me redder) and commented on Timmy making me do all the work (of course I wanted too wait on him). The whole thing was funny but it just proved to me my lack of game I mentioned before. He came in again yesterday and when he got up to the register I almost broke the customer ahead of him's bottle of wine! Because when I see him I trip over my words, I get so nervous that my hands tremble. I am easily compared to a little kid with a crush, men don't want that in a woman. Confidence, quit whitted humor, a smile and a wink- that may get me a date with the man of my dreams- but then he would see my teeth and all chances with him are over before they started. I am not worthy! And it sucks... all bad qualities aside I am quite a catch, but society kills my chances with any man as soon as I compare myself to what it is that men want- I loose.

So apparently insecurity plays a role in my not wanting to fall in love as well. I know I am scared of being hurt, scared of Evan seeing someone else walk away from him. I couldn't handle that again. It saddens me because I am a good mom and would love to have another baby someday. But taking that scenario under consideration. I meet a man fall deeply in love and have a second child. Evan is mine, the new child is ours. There would be favoritism and Evan would think that this man doesn't love him as much as his sibling. I never want Evan to feel emotions like that. To hold resentment towards me for creating life with someone new. So I keep the promise I made myself. I stay alone. I develop crushes on men that are so far out of my league they are unattainable and safe. If I don't have a shot, no one gets hurt. For now I like it that way. I am strong, but not strong enough to handle another departure. It's really too bad, I never thought I would end up alone, I never thought this would be my life. I always dreamed of a white picket fence, a dog, getting married, and having a well respected family with the one I love. The American dream is dead to me now. The closest I come to a picket fence is looking out the window at my neighbors house. The very same thing I used to do as a child- stare out the window at the happy family with a mommy and a daddy hoping someday it would be me. The grass is always greener on the other side, and that is something I have grown to accept. The American dream is over-rated anyway. I don't need a man to fill the void in me, all I need is my Evan. At least that is what I keep telling myself, and that works for a while. Until he does something that should be caught on camera or something so cute you just want to share the moment with someone, and no one is there to share it, that's when me and him is not enough.

That's all I can stand speaking of without getting myself depressed. It is all a vicious cycle and theres no talking to me. I have an excuse for any scenario sent my way, and I am as stubborn as they come. When Evan is grown and off to Harvard Law School (or wherever the little smarty ends up) then I can explore options in romance. That is- if anyone wants me-by then I won't have any teeth left. If there is someone out there for me, he'll still be there when I'm ready. Here's hoping, have a great week everyone!