I am stressing this final for A&P-- my A is all depending on that final now! (I have like a 94% in the class, to get an A you must score higher than 93%) I am planning to take the test tomorrow without any distractions.... then a much needed BREAK!! I am soooooo glad that I don't have to take any more of these types of classes, and looking forward to more meaningful (to me) work next term!

It is yet another Sunday, meaning I opened and closed the store today... It ran much smoother this week. Joe wasn't hungover and he did a really good job running the front. Plus we had the new guy, who I guess helped?? I honestly was busting ass today all day in the cooler. For those of you who have never worked in or around the liquor/beer industry.... working a cooler all day is the same as weight lifting. Constantly bringing in stacks of beer that weigh about as much as me, stacking the beer, unstacking the beer, ect. Stocking a cooler all day is no easy task. This may sound strange but I actually enjoy it, there is nothing that can be said for a good hard days work. What would be really nice though, is for the managers at my work to take notice....

After work I came home and sat out in my back yard with my mom, Clam, and Evan, and the neighbors. Apparently much drama unfolded whilst I was at work today- surprisingly not within my family!! The neighbors/landlord (all related) had some very public, loud, swearing match type fights today. Kinda disappointed I missed it- is that awful? Sounded like some first class Jerry Springer action right in my own back yard. I was a little upset at first for my son witnessing it- but what can I really say, they have witnessed my family turmoil... I certainly cannot judge anyone else on that subject!

I am extremely exhausted and have a parade to attend in the am... Good night all!

First day as a keyholder...

Ok, so today was my very first experience in being responsible for a whole store on my own. It was so much more stress than I thought it would be! I am still stressing over if I did everything right or if I counted something wrong- left a light on- locked the doors? Imagine! I have already contemplated walking down to the store just to make sure all the doors are locked.

I did well at first, got in (without setting the alarm off!!) counted the drawer down, set everything up. But then I had some issues with the doors. They weren't working right all afternoon and who walks basically into me while I'm trying to fix them but my giant crush Shawn. I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR HIM! This kid must think I am wacked. First the blushing incident now holding the door for him, he is going to find a different liquor store. The kid I was on with is usually funny and up beat but he was hungover and miserable. Then the redemption room was horrendous! This guy TRASHED it, watched me clean it, then left more garbage behind. I was beside myself, some people are just rude!!! We locked the doors at 6 but I didn't get out of there until 10 of seven!! I hope I don't get in trouble for that... I just hope I did a good job and they will all be happy when the get in there in the am.

It was a very long day... much homework to do in the morning, Nighty night!

Well...

The landlord will not have the dog. First option is a bust! I have been checking out places and found a few shared houses listed on craigslist but I need to be realistic. I can't afford to leave my mom- not until I am done with school. What an awful feeling it is not to have ample money to support my son. Please someone tell me it will change!!! Once I am done with school I won't need anyone but myself.. until then I have to go back to wondering. Go back to dealing with constant insults and fighting. We are moving because Clam doesn't want to come back here. (He now hates the landlord) So I am getting plucked up again, further from my work.

I think I may be a bit of a control freak. I like for things to be in my power and right now I just feel like everything has slipped through my fingers. I have no control over this situation and it sucks.

On a happy note, I finally got keys and a code at my work. I am officially running the show every Sunday from now on, and I'm guessing every night on the weekends. So that is one good thing happening in my life now. I love my job. At least I can say that.

I'm still smiling, that is all I can do for now. Stay positive and hope for the best. Now it is my favorite boss's birthday 2moro and I am baking him a cake today! On top of that I have two papers to get written before Tuesday- I can't wait for my much needed break from school! Have a great week everyone, speak with you all soon!

Good evening

Eureka! I have a much better plan! (I have been racking my brain and scheming over this for days.)

So this is a bit much to take on. But I can do this and I am going to make it work. My cousin Kristin is the only person I know financially responsible enough to share a place with. She pays 850 a month where she is at now and stays in a basement, so 600 a month would be great for her and she is all for it. I want to stay here let my mom go (AND PLEASE TAKE ALL THIS CRAP WITH YOU) Give my cousin Kristin my mom's bedroom. The bedroom I am currently sharing with my son AND brother will turn into just Evan's room. And the place where I am sitting as we speak will be turned into my room. Keep the living room where it is at, smaller TV, smaller couch (that Kristin has). Take out all the stuff I have been gathering for when that day actually came that I got my own place. Have all his toys in his room it will be SO MUCH CLEANER!!!

Here are the only downfalls to the situation. Kristin owns a very large dog. By large I mean St. Bernard... but if I can get the landlord on board with that then I have someone who will stay here and help out a great deal with rent. I get food stamps every month that have been going towards feeding my mother her husband myself and Evan for the past two years, now that I will only be feeding myself and my son I will never go hungry (more importantly neither will he). So no issues there. Here's where it gets a little tricky. After paying 500 bucks a month I don't have ample money left over for other bills. I need Internet phone and cable, then the heat and everything else. It is going to be a struggle. Kristin will split whatever those bills are I am sure. But I want to try and get some sort of babysitting position like I had before, where I could get paid to watch someones kid on like wed thurs or mornings during the week (except Tues) that would just be cash for bills. Like I said STRUGGLE. But I really feel like I can do it. And this will be our home. And talk about spittin in Clams eye (figuratively).

I am hopeful. And just as I had assumed- my mother came home the morning after seeing him looking at apartments online. So I know this is coming just not so sure when... I hope sis likes dogs!

A place that I could legit call my own. And I love my cousin Kristin, she can be way too honest at times but I can live with that and a big drooly dog. It could even be fun! I just hope I can make it, financially speaking. Now just gotta play my cards right I guess.. we will see what happens~

All good things must come to an end...

I am beside myself with my mother. I was finally happy. Content. I have been paying half the rent and keeping up the house (to the best of my ability). For the duration of my schooling this would be our home. Well that was too good to be true I guess. Why is it every time I feel happy something has to change to make me sad again? I just signed up for all this school got all my ducks in a row. My schedule for work just changed giving me ample time to get everything I need to done. Now this... my mothers undying need to be co-dependant...

Homeless shelter here we come.

Every single time I get myself ahead life takes an awkward turn. My head is a mess. She's going to see that asshole of a husband tomorrow. She had the audacity to ask if she could take Evan to see him, stay overnight at a hotel with him. My son is already fucked up because of him, he is in a fragile emotional state because of the entire situation and seeing him now would do terrible things to his Psyche. So I have to find a new sitter for tomorrow while I work and make sure Evan is supervised when his grandmother has him. (as if having NO money for a sitter wasn't hard enough already) Clam can't move back in here- the landlord won't have the asshole back in her house. But him and my mother plan to find a new place. Sure there is the option of going with them, moving in with that bastard to deal with the constant insults and embarrassment and complete lack of respect. I'm all set with that option. I have been free of him and I won't go back there.

So lets explore my options. Wait a minute- I have no options. It's go with them or go to a homeless shelter because that is what I will be. I pay only $500 a month to live here (my mom with her three jobs pays $600). That is $125 every week from my pay check. On average (after taxes in "TAXachusetts") my check is about $2-260 weekly. I am struggling just to pay that, when my mom leaves what will I do? That's NOT including cable, phone (the Internet I need for school), electricity, heat!! I am living with my mother because I can't do it on my own. It is financially impossible. With the 1,000's of immigrants ahead of me on the waiting lists for any kind of housing assistance there is no chance of help. The waiting list for Section 8 housing is 7-10 YEARS. I have been on it for three.

A part of me wants to run away. Take Evan and go somewhere far away from here. Lie to someone- tell them I am escaping an abusive relationship with my sons father and go to a homeless shelter for abused moms. That is terrible but in a way am I really lying? I have been abused I just chose to stay with that person until he one day decided to abandon me... now I'm in the middle of my mothers unhealthy, abusive marriage. I suppose it is a learned behavior. My lap top can come with me, I will stay in school no matter what happens.

My first intention is to learn how to drive. I need to be able to get myself somewhere. But I SUCK at driving. Not that anyone ever even attempted to teach me, I am 24 years old and can count on ten fingers the amount of times I have ever been behind the wheel. I at least have some time to think it over. Takes some time for first last and security deposit. There are places in the U.S. that cost less money than 1200 a month for an apartment. I could find somewhere cheap enough and when I get the check from school I could just go. Evan would miss his family, but my mom has a consistent need to tear our family apart with her arrogant boyfriends. (and I assure you there was always a boyfriend) She does this and we won't be a family anymore. I will be through with her. It just hurts because my mom was once upon a time my best friend. Now I can't even look at her.

Now I must pull myself together because I promised my sister I would go over and hang out with her. I like never get to see her anymore and I really think she is the only person I would miss. I really have no idea what will come of this, but I knew it was all too good to be true.

I just realized something.

Have you ever sat and thought about was was going to be your life a few years from now. I think everyone has at least once. Every time I have asked myself in the past where will you be in 5 years I have never come up with an answer. Matter of fact, thinking about it further there were moments that I could not tell you what my life would be like 5 days from the present. (this of course was before having my son) I would come up with the answers that were an easy way of looking at it- who knows were I will be 5 years from now, or with Jim... somewhere- instead of setting my path and creating a goal for myself. Having children will make you ask the question, and it is terrifying to have no answers.

Well, for the first time in my life I sat down and thought about it. 5 years from now I have a destination. 5 years from now I will have my bachelors in psychology (applied behavioral analysis). Hopefully I will continue on in my education and in 5 years time be on my way to a masters... I will have a real job, a good job that makes a difference somehow in this world- I will have my own place!!! Eventually afford to own a home not in 5 years but maybe when im like 40... any the way I am rambling here.

I have a destination. A path. GOALS! I am bursting at the seams. A plan was what I needed and it is what I created. I realize that I must now maintain wonder woman status for the next four years. But hopefully soon I can get some daycare to help me on the Evan front. And who needs sleep? I can sleep when I have the money to do so- and I can do it in my house! My schoolwork will get done while Evan does his. He will have a mom he can be proud of. I will be able to provide for him a home, an education, a future. I can do this and I know it will be worth it in the long run. I am proud of myself (as if you couldn't tell) and I can do this!

Good Morning

I woke up this morning feeling like a new person. I have gotten the ball rolling and switched my major from an associates in medical transcription to a bachelors in psychology, specializing in applied behavioral analysis. (Much more impressive, eh?) I am really happy I decided to do this. Medical transcription was just a waste of my time, I could have passed but it would not have made me happy at all. I want to make a difference in the lives of others. My goal is actually to make it through this with a 4.0 (or as close to it as possible) and then try and get scholarships to go to a real college and get my PhD in the field. Having someone pay me 300 bucks an hour to listen to them speak would make all the schooling worth it, and in turn the school would pay for itself. But I will have a bachelors degree before I turn 30 and for now that is making me glow. Everyone I know that sees me keeps telling me I look different. My hair is getting long and I keep getting compliments on it and when I take my glasses off people are telling me I should get contacts cause I have such a pretty face... between clams departure and being in school where I belong I am exuding happiness, and neighbors and friends have been taking notice!

Also I am so happy at my job. I have worked in retail/restaurant business for as long as I can remember, and I work hard. But until I found this liquor store I have never been appreciated or rewarded for my work. My work just gave me a dollar raise and I am getting keys to the store- Soon I will be responsible for opening and closing the store on Sundays. Its just nice that they trust me enough to do it and they depend on me, I was training new people all week. One guy was 53 and never saw a cash register before and the other a young man (my age) who knew what he was doing. Luckily I think the second will be with me on Sunday's *praises the lord* the other guy wont be with us for long (but that is my opinion) The guy my age isn't like drop dead gorgeous (def can't hold a candle to my Shawn) but he is funny and has endearing qualities about him. But as the saying goes- don't stick your pen in the company ink, I should keep it professional... its just been too long since I was last with a man (about two years now) and some contact with the other sex would be nice... and he happens to be a single male in my age range who isn't a regular customer or a big drinker at all, and as I said funny (humor is the biggest turn on to me). I doubt he has any interest in me, but I'm one of those girls that grows on you *wink wink* if it will be me and him on Sundays something could develop, I certainly would like it to... I am just rambling now so I will end it here.

I haven't been so content in a very long time. I am just that, content! Life feels so nice without the stresses I once faced. I am in just the best place possible right now, and I am proud of myself for changing my path. I wish you all the best, and I must say thank you to professor Tolen, without your project I may have realized I was in the wrong area of study- too late. That's all for now, have a nice week! =^)